lucymorningstar: (Default)
Insomnia, as I think we all know, is a bitch and it turns me into a bit of one. I think it does all of us to an extent. Who doesn't get a little bit cranky and snappy when they're overly tired? I get insomnia as a symptom of being schizoaffective, I get irritable as a symptom and I get irritable because I'm tired. It's all a vicious circle as most things are with mental health.

In a way I'm kind of used to not sleeping properly and most of my coping methods work most of the time. This is a special circumstance. I know I'm stressed and anxious, I don't deal with change and I'm not sleeping right because of it. I probably won't sleep right for weeks, if not months, because of it. I do have a prescription for sleeping pills if I need them and I hate them but I might have to rely on them for a while.

Too much of a lack of sleep makes all the other shit even harder to deal with... and as with vicious circles round and round we go.

S is also struggling to sleep properly because of the cast on her leg. She's not napping so much during the day either because she's not taking so many painkilers. S is not used to not getting enough sleep and she's getting really grouchy with it. She's also making herself wired by drinking caffeine to wake herself up but isn't doing anything to work off the energy... and so she can't sleep.
I feel really bad for her. She's has never had insomnia. She's seen me dealing with it for years and she told me that now she's experienced it just a little and has a vague idea of just some of what I go through, she told me she doesn't know how I cope. She made me cry when she cuddled me and said she was proud of me for keeping fighting through the darkness.

I feel really bad for J actually. He's got both of us suffering with sleep deprivation and being tired and irritable. How he doesn't yell at us when we're both being bitches I don't know. He just shrugs and says he knows he don't mean it, and he also said to me there'd be no point and that it would resolve anything. That man is a saint.

I probably had a point when I sat down and started to write but that was about 15 minutes ago now and I don't actually remember anymore. I'm tired, like the kind of tired where if I close my eyes too long I might actually go to sleep so I might crawl into bed. Even if all I do is nap for a few hours and I'm wide awake again after, I think that would be better than sitting here for 2 hours until 'bedtime'. I know I'm supposed to 'maintain regular sleep patterns' but I think in the current situation, sleeping when tired is more important.
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
S has just posted to say she doesn't think she likes using her name as her DW account and is asking her flist how they came up with their usernames. I thought that was quite an interesting question and it makes me want to ask you guys How did you come up with your username?

Mine is based off the character Lucifer Morningstar from the TV show Lucifer. The basic premise of the show is that Lucifer got bored of hell, left, is running a nightclub in LA and working with a homicide detective. He makes no secret of who he is, goes by the name of Lucifer Morningstar. One of his brothers, Amenadiel, calls him Lucy which I love because... well because it's name.

And so... [personal profile] lucymorningstar is me
although Morningstar clearly isn't my surname. (For anyone who's wondering, I changed it by deedpoll a few years ago so it's Anderson, the same as J and S)
lucymorningstar: (McKay)
If I just start posting like normal, no-one will notice I haven't been posting regularly, right?

Hello friends. Sorry for disappearing on you. Everything went crazy around here and I've been really struggling with my health because I've been so stressed out. And the one thing that seems to get dropped is finding time to do things that I enjoy. It's a really bad habit of mine that when I go into survival mode, I forget about me. And blogging/journalling is really good for my mental health, it helps me try to gt things out of my head and into a way that I can try and make sense of. So my bad habit of neglecting myself is something I really want to start working on and I'm going to bring it up with my new therapist.

Yes, a new one. One of the crazy things thats happening around here is that we're moving. I'm really stressed about it :(
S has been headhunted and has changed jobs but it's down in Cardiff so we're moving. We're supposed to be moving around August bank holiday Monday and then S is due to start her new job in September. She's really excited more it's more pure physics-centric than her current role which is more engineering based.

But!
Because there's always a but, right?
A couple of weeks ago, she broke her leg really badly. Like had to have pins put it in badly and was told that she has to have a cast on for 'at least three months' which takes her up to the beginning of September so she doesn't even know if she's going to be able to start taking her classes when the semeste starts

I'm really stressed for her but she's of the view that what will be will be, if she can't start classes in the Autumn semester, she'll start in Spring. Her new boss knows that she's injured and out of action and they're just taking it as it comes.

Mostly, she's just bored. That can be quite fun for me and J haha. She's getting better at getting around on crutches so we're hoping to be able to do some family activities over the summer. We've been doing a lot of 'Netflix and chill' and we're doing a Doctor Who rewatch which is fun. She's also got herself a DW which is [personal profile] samanderson. And she's learning to knit - and so am I!

Well. This post seems to have mostly been about S and I think I've rambled enough for today. Have a good week!
lucymorningstar: (Back To The Beginning)
Title: On A Need To Know Basis
Author: [personal profile] lucymorningstar
Rating: NC-17
Words: 1380
Summary: Jack didn’t think Daniel would find out about his disobedience, but he did, and delivers a well-deserved punishment.

On A Need To Know Basis )
lucymorningstar: (Lucifer)
S was singing this song this morning ago (she heard it on the radio in the shower) and it is still rattling around in my head. I don't even like it and it's driving me crazy! So, in the name of earworms, I thought I'd be nice enough to pass it on

lucymorningstar: (Fluffy)
J, as I just posted over in his DW for him, has gone off with a couple of his old air force buddies. They're on their motorbikes and they're going fishing over in France. I probably think fishing is a euphemism for drinking a lot of beer and reminiscing about old times but they'll have a good time I'm sure.

S had a surprise unexpected day off. Something to do with the electrics and there being none. I do like getting to spend time with S, we don't do it often enough. I've been feeling a little twitchy because my routine has been off but it's been worth it.

We had a lazy start to the morning, some bdsm and sex fun then took the dogs out for a walk on the beach. in the rain. We were chasing each other in and out of the water - since we were already wet we didn't care about splashes and the dogs were playing too. Wet sand gets everywhere! We got the dogs clean and dry, then took a shower together. You can imagine where that went... haha. What can I say, my S is a sexy sexy woman and I can't keep my hands off her

After a rejuvenating nap, we had lunch out, took our time enjoying the meal and talking and being with each other. It was really nice. Good food, good company. We strolled through town for a bit (hand-in-hand, saw some of her students, probably confused them) and did a little bit of shopping - S got a beautiful flowery summer dress and a denim jacket, I got a suedette biker jacket.

This evening we just cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie, provided a suitable napping spot for the cats.

Tomorrow, if she's free and the weather is nice, we're going to head to Penrhyn Castle for the day, catch one of the Early Bird tours.
We're thinking of taking ourselves for a girly weekend to a spa, make the most of J being away.
lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
After I mentioned thinking about doing a post about auditory hallucinations some of you said you would be interested in reading about them, so this is me attemtping to write about them. I'm not an expert and I don't know if I'll make any kind of sense but I'll do my best.

I have schizoaffective disorder which is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at the same time.
Manic depression/bipolar is characterized by a cycle of moods between the opposite extremes of depression and a euphoric state called mania.
Schizophrenia is characterized by such disturbances in thought as visual and auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.
Schizoaffectives like me get to experience the best of both worlds, with disturbances in both thought and mood.

I have had auditory hallucinations since I was a teenager. We all have that voice that we talk to ourselves with inside our head, like our own narrator. It's the voice you hear when you're reading this. Hearing voices isn't like that. You know that your inner voice is just your own thoughts, that it's not something you're hearing someone else say. Auditory hallucinations sound like they're coming from outside your head and it can be really hard to distinguish them from someone else actually talking to you.

I hear someone shout my name, I reply or turn to look and there's no-one there. I'll look around and I can't find anyone. A lot of the time it's a lot more disturing. The voices I hear are horrible to me, they tell me I'm worthless, that I deserve to die, they tell me how to kill myself, that J & S aren't real/hate me. Sometimes it's 'just' a running commentary of anything that's going on, like I'm the subject of a David Attenborough documentary Lucy is sitting on the couch, with her legs crossed and her laptop on her knees. She is writing a dreamwidth post about her hallucinations. J is in the garden with the dogs style. Or sometimes the voices are shouting my thoughts outloud, so everyone else around me can hear what I'm thinking. Except they can't because the voices aren't real but at the time you don't always realise that they're not real. It can be pretty terrifying.

The voice quite often has a person attached to it; it's not alway disembodied. I've replied to something someone's said only they've not said something (I saw a person, I heard a voice, the two weren't connected) or the person aren't even there. And it's not always negative, it can just be someone asking me how I am or saying they like my dress. It was unsettling to find out my best friend isn't real. You know that moment in Sixth Sense when you find out Bruce Willis is a ghost and then you realise that no-one else has interacted with him the whole movie? It's like that.

There's this new girl in yoga, Addison. I like her. I think she's real but I'm also not 100% sure I've seen anyone else speaking with her. Then again, it's yoga and we're nearly always too busy focusing on what we're doing. I keep meaning to ask J to meet up for coffee after one session to see if he can see her.

Never being quite sure if things/people are real or not is weird. It can be scary but not as terrifying as hearing a disembodied voice calmly and precisely talk you through taking an overdose. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not sure I ever will be.
lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
I've been trying to watch NCIS with J this morning but it's not be overly successful. I've been having some auditory issues, not hearing the bitch who attacks me or the kid who wants to play, more just white noise buzzing. and that makes it really difficult to concentrate on both the TV and on what J's been saying to me. J's confirmed that he can't hear it so it's most likely in my head. I'm actually hopping it's just a hallucination and not a physical problem with my ears. It's not constant though so I guess it's psychological. It's fucking annoying though!

Could it be interesting to write a post about my auditory hallucinations?

It's a shame because I've been enjoying NCIS. It's our first time watching it and we saw like 5 episodes last week. I'm starting to see why S loves these 'heres a dead body lets find out what happened to it' shows.
Gibbs. He's a bit of a bastard, isn't he? Very strange way of showing he cares and I bet he's got some big tragedy he's hiding that's stopping him from letting people in. He's also utterly gorgeous
Tony. Can we say favourite character? He's so cute and funny and yet really good at what he does and I want to do all kinds of filthy things to/with him!
Kate. I don't like her at all. She's so stuck up and I hate how she treats Tony.
Ducky. Reminds me of my dad, the way he's always got these stories and random facts about everything.
Abby. I'm not quite sure what I make of Abby. She's very unique isn't she? J says her exuberance and love reminds him of me <3

Instead of watching NCIS 1x06 I did some really geeky online things. I normally log all the TV and movies that I watch using Trakt and Letterboxd but I've been really slack at keeping up with it the last month or so. J's been listing still and I wrote most things down in my bujo so I've brought them up to date as much as I could.

Is it weird that I still refer to J as... well... J, considering I know some of you guys read his DW? (he's [personal profile] jackjanderson for anyone who doesn't know) so it's not like you don't know he's called Jack. And he uses Sam's name when he talks about her in his posts but I still refer to her as S here.
I guess I've just got used to using J&S when I write about them because I've been doing it for so long.
lucymorningstar: (McKay)
Things are going really well right now.

J & I have found our new routine for us both being home all day, especially now the weather is improving and he can get out on his bike, or spend time in the garden or go fishing. J & S have worked out spending more time with each other and she's lost that lingering jealousy that J & I are together all day.

J retiring has definitely been a learning curve and workng out new balances in our relationships but it's paid off and I think we're stronger than ever. It ended up not even being that big a change, just one thing - instead of Saturday mornings being me and J's time, the two of them do the grocery shopping together. They have their date nights on Tuesday late afternoon/all evening. Thursday during the day is still the time S & I spend together.

My sister's babies are doing well. They're healthy and thriving.

My dad actually had a conversation with S on the phone earlier.

See? Thngs are good. So why am I waiting for something to go wrong?
lucymorningstar: (Coulson)
You wouldnt think reading a book would be that big of a deal except for how with me it is. I can't actually remember the last time I read a book, at least not a graphic novel. It's been quite a while. My attention span tends to wander and I get too distracted and then I never finish it.

I've had a change of medication recently which although it seems to be having some issues with my sleep it's doing really good on helping me concentrate.

But yes. I read a book. An actua real life book.

Meg by Steve Alten.
On a top-secret dive into the Pacific Ocean's deepest canyon, Jonas Taylor found himself face-to-face with the largest and most ferocious predator in the history of the animal kingdom. The sole survivor of the mission, Taylor is haunted by what he's sure he saw but still can't prove exists - Carcharodon megalodon, the massive mother of the great white shark. The average prehistoric Meg weighs in at twenty tons and could tear apart a Tyrannosaurus rex in seconds. Taylor spends years theorizing, lecturing, and writing about the possibility that Meg still feeds at the deepest levels of the sea. But it takes an old friend in need to get him to return to the water, and a hotshot female submarine pilot to dare him back into a high-tech miniature sub. Diving deeper than he ever has before, Taylor will face terror like he's never imagined. MEG is about to surface. When she does, nothing and no one is going to be safe, and Jonas must face his greatest fear once again.
4/5 stars

I was in the library with J last month and we got talking to one of the librarians who S knows and talking about cryptozoology and monsters and dinosaurs and she recommended the book to me thinking I might want to give it a go. It took me about a month to read it but I did really enjoy it.

It wasn't hard to read. It was cheesy and fun and a little bit scary. It made me laugh out loud and gasp out loud at times too and I was really rooting for the characters. IT was like reading the book version of one of those made-for-tv sci-fi/horror movies

New people

Apr. 19th, 2017 08:07 pm
lucymorningstar: (Elephant)
Hello new people (both from Spacemonkey and from [community profile] 2017revival and welcome to my little corner of Dreamwidth.

Those of you who have joined from [community profile] 2017revival know the basis from my intro post, and there's a summary of it posted just over there on my sidebar.

But, I guess a proper introduction wouldn't go amiss.

Hello! I'm Lucy. I'm 38, I'm a homemaker and I'm an English woman living in North Wales. I'm a Scorpio born in the Year Of The Horse, an ESTJ, sorted into Hufflepuff, align as neutral evil and am basically a hopeless romantic. I will happily call myself a geek and a sci-fi lover.

The first things you should know about me are that I'm a bisexual submissive and in a poly D/s relationship with the utterly wonderful J&S. I also sffer from schizo-affective disorder, ADHD and insomnia. These are the main topics I talk about. If any of these points make you feel uncomfortable, please feel free to defriend me. I completely understand and no hard feelings.

I left school with no qualifications due to my mental health issues, but I'm working on studying English, Maths, German and Science and would like to actually get to a point where I feel comfortable taking my GCSEs.

I love to bake and cook, and I find cleaning to be very therapeutic. I hate gardening and DIY - but luckily J loves them.

I'm pretty extraverted (yet socially awkward) and sarcastic, and have been told I have a warped sense of humour. I don't have a clear sense of where 'the line' is. I'm a pessimist yet a bug kid at heart.

My current obsessions include:
Aliens. Angels. Atlantis. Board games. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Doctor Who. German. Lucifer. MacGyver 2016. Marvel. Maths. Mythology. Space. Star Wars. Time Travel.

Any questions?
lucymorningstar: (Harry)
J and I have both lost weight over the last few months.

I've been actively trying for the last year and have lost 45lb, hit my target and am very very proud of myself. I've been making an effort to eat heathier, drink more water, only eat when I'm hungry, get exercise regularly.

J, the little shit, hasn't been trying and has unintentionally lost 30lb since Christmas. Which isn't fair but I'm very proud of him and damn he looks good right now. That man is sexy, you know?

To reward us, S took us both shopping. I was very happy about this. I love shopping for clothes and I've got some new dresses, some new jeans, some new tops, new underwear, had my hair done. It's like I've spring cleaned myself!

J... was a lot less happy about it. Honestly, the way he was going on you'd think we were torturing him or something. He actually ended up really pissing S off and oh boy, he got into trouble. Let's just say he got intimately acquainted with the cane this afternoon and I'm not sure he's gonna be sitting down anytime soon. He's also on a sex and orgasm ban for the rest of the month. I feel a bit bad for him but really he brought it on himself.
lucymorningstar: (Lucifer)
I have been thinking about maybe trying to write some Jack O'Neill/Daniel Jackson fanfiction but where would I actually post it? I know about AO3 but what communities on Dreamwidth could I post to?

(I don't know that I will, I don't know that they'll be any good but I'd like to try because I'm enjoying reading the ones I'm finding)
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
As a bisexual woman in a bdsm poly relationship, it's safe to say that Livejournal is making me feel very uncomfortable right now. It's not a place I feel safe to be able to be me and it's not a place that makes me feel welcome.

I don't have a paid account so I'm not giving them money but I'm still not sure it's somewhere I want to give my business too. I don't know whether to just delete my journal and stay only at dreamwidth, or 'wait and see what happens' and just keep crossposting.

I'm also not sure 5am in a third night of not sleeping is the right time to try and make this decision! Oh how I wish caffeine actually worked in the expected manner.

For anyone reading this on LJ (since it's crossposting) who wants to add me on DW, I'm lucymorningstar on DW as well so please feel free :)
lucymorningstar: (Black Widow)
Sometimes my attention gets caught by and I focus on the most random things. The smallest details that can cause delight and that you want to remember because they're so silly and enjoyable.

Late this afternoon, J caught me standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at the laundry basket. When he got my attention back to reality and he asked me what as so fascinating about our sheets.

It was the way the light was catching and dancing on and around the swirls and wrinkles of a sheet that needed to be ironed and folded.

When I asked J what he wanted to remember about today, he said the chocolate muffins we had at lunchtime. They were pretty awesome and his had way more chocolate chips in it than I'm sure there should have been.

How about you? What would you like to remember about today?
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Ask me for my top five in any category, and I'll answer as honestly as I can!
lucymorningstar: (Default)
My J makes me laugh sometimes. I've said before how he's bored and trying to find a new hobby and he seems to be trying to do all of them all at the same time. And possibly just stalking me around the internet.

He's brushing up on his German on Duolingo, he's still futzing around with his blog, he's signed up to do a psychology course on line, he's trying out bujoing... he's even talked about trying to learn to knit. S has given him a list of jobs to do round the house and we're talking about redecorating the bedroom and having a new kitchen. He's also wanting to turn the other of the boxrooms into his own lttle 'study' like I've got. He's definitely enjoying spending time reading and doing crosswords though and the dogs are really loving having him to play with all the time.

He's a big dork and I really do love him.

I'm reading this book at the moment called Whoniverse: An Unofficial Planet-By-Planet Guide to the World of the Doctor from Gallifrey to Skaro by Lance Parkin and it's making me want to do a Doctor Who rewatch. Definitely 'new' Who but I'm also really tempted to go back and watch some 'classic' Who as well, start with Hartnell and work my way forwards in time. I know a lot of Patrick Troughton's stuff has been lost but rewatching Tom Baker and Jon Pertwee and I don't think I've ever gone back and rewatched Sylvester McCoy's stuff from the 80s

I think I need a Doctor Who icon!
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
It's been a really good weekend.

Friday night was our usual; all three of us going out for a pizza and a movie, we went to see Lego Batman because we're all about 6 years old. It was so much fun.

Saturday was entertaining. There was an England V Wales Rugby match. J is an England supporter. S is Welsh and yes, she supports Wales. Me, I don't give two hoots either way and... well lets just say I was a little bit tied up at the time, shall we?
Wales lost. S is still sulking and yes she took it out on J's ass when he gloated!

Today was a lazy morning in bed, the way Sundays are always. The afternoon was a little different to normal though - normally we play board games, watch DVDs, the weeks reward/punishments are dealt out. But today we went back to the cinema for Fifty Shades Darker. I know they're terrible, Grey is an abuser not a Dom and they're a horrific portrayal of BDSM but I still find myeslf enjoying the movies even though I know I shouldn't. Rewards/punishment will happen later when S is finished working for the night.

And now tonight. S is off in her office marking homework and finalising lesson plans. J's knee is bothering him and he's sitting with his legs up and a heat pack on his knee and he's doing a crossword and he's got his headphones on so he's probably listening to some opera or something. I've been trying to read but I'm tired and my attention span isn't brilliant. According to the time stamp I started this post and now it's already taken me 53 minutes to write this post. I'm reading two books at the moment. Whoniverse: An Unofficial Planet-By-Planet Guide to the World of the Doctor from Gallifrey to Skaro by Lance Parkin and The Sandman: Endless Nights by Neil Gaiman but I'm not concentrating so I'm rewatching a new favourite The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey. I have a mug of hot chocolate and a donut and life is pretty good.
lucymorningstar: (B&W Mac)
(Apparently if I'm going to tell you guys that J has a blog, I should actually give you the link. He's at [personal profile] jackjanderson - he's not sure he likes his username, he's not sure he likes his layout but he's liking 'the whole blogging thing' so far)

There's something comforting about rewatching favourite movies over again. I think it's the predictability factor - there's no surprises and it's safe because you know what's going to happen. It doesn't matter if I'm having low concentration or zoney out day, I'm not going to miss anything or risk being completely confused.

And, because of the types of moves that I like, the good guys always win.

I think the movies I've seen most are Star Wars, Back To The Future, Harry Potter, Marvel, X-Men, Jurassic Park. There's probably more too but those are definitely stand out ones.

J & I were re-watching Independance Day this afternoon. I dread to think how many times I've seen it but I always love it. I always get that sense of awe when the ships come in, the 'today we celebrate our independance' speech always give me shivers and I'm always on the edge of my seat at the climax.

Even if S was teasing us about watching it for the millionth time, and clearly itching to give us her usual 'bad science' rant about it. Although she had been watching us making out for a while and was maybe a little distracted. What can I say, J and I were curled up on the couc watching it this afternoon and there may have been making out like teenagers and... other related activities ;)

Crazy Month

Feb. 5th, 2017 06:41 am
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
It's been an absolutely crazy couple of weeks. I don't know where the time has gone, I feel like it's completely run away with me and I've achieved nothing. I've not made it online or anything! It's also been manic and stressful and J and I have been fighting and we both got punished a lot and not in the really fun way either :(

See, J retired just before Christmas and it was all fun over the break. But then January and reality and normal kicked in and he didn't know what to do with himself. He's not used to being home and having nothing to do and he got bored - and even more bored once S had gone back to school. It was fun to start with, having J around all the time and, yes, there was a lot of sex :)

But then it stopped being so fun. Chores and errands weren't getting done. S would get mad at both of us. Then because my routine was interrupted, I wasn't taking my medications and got sick and there was yelling and guilt and it all really wasn't fun. I got lectured on routines and distractions and the importance of my health, and J did too. And he was told that he has to let me do my jobs first and if he wants to help he has to ask because my routine is important. He was also told to find something to do, to find a new hobby.

That was about 10 days ago. We now both have behaviour and chore charts and we have to report to S each day about what we did. We get either daily punishment or reward as necessary. It's working though. I'm recovering again, I've got my routine back and I'm happier. Still a little insomnia but it's getting better. And the house is back to normal standards. Which makes S happier. J's been letting me get on with my work, or helping out in little ways but he mostly reads or watches TV while I'm working. And he's got a new hobby - he's discovered the internet, got himself a laptop and even has a blog

Hopefully this new equilibrium will continue!

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is
+
Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Dinosaurs. Doctor Who. Fanfiction. Knitting. Marvel. Space. Time travel. Wonder Woman.

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