May. 12th, 2017

lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
After I mentioned thinking about doing a post about auditory hallucinations some of you said you would be interested in reading about them, so this is me attemtping to write about them. I'm not an expert and I don't know if I'll make any kind of sense but I'll do my best.

I have schizoaffective disorder which is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at the same time.
Manic depression/bipolar is characterized by a cycle of moods between the opposite extremes of depression and a euphoric state called mania.
Schizophrenia is characterized by such disturbances in thought as visual and auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.
Schizoaffectives like me get to experience the best of both worlds, with disturbances in both thought and mood.

I have had auditory hallucinations since I was a teenager. We all have that voice that we talk to ourselves with inside our head, like our own narrator. It's the voice you hear when you're reading this. Hearing voices isn't like that. You know that your inner voice is just your own thoughts, that it's not something you're hearing someone else say. Auditory hallucinations sound like they're coming from outside your head and it can be really hard to distinguish them from someone else actually talking to you.

I hear someone shout my name, I reply or turn to look and there's no-one there. I'll look around and I can't find anyone. A lot of the time it's a lot more disturing. The voices I hear are horrible to me, they tell me I'm worthless, that I deserve to die, they tell me how to kill myself, that J & S aren't real/hate me. Sometimes it's 'just' a running commentary of anything that's going on, like I'm the subject of a David Attenborough documentary Lucy is sitting on the couch, with her legs crossed and her laptop on her knees. She is writing a dreamwidth post about her hallucinations. J is in the garden with the dogs style. Or sometimes the voices are shouting my thoughts outloud, so everyone else around me can hear what I'm thinking. Except they can't because the voices aren't real but at the time you don't always realise that they're not real. It can be pretty terrifying.

The voice quite often has a person attached to it; it's not alway disembodied. I've replied to something someone's said only they've not said something (I saw a person, I heard a voice, the two weren't connected) or the person aren't even there. And it's not always negative, it can just be someone asking me how I am or saying they like my dress. It was unsettling to find out my best friend isn't real. You know that moment in Sixth Sense when you find out Bruce Willis is a ghost and then you realise that no-one else has interacted with him the whole movie? It's like that.

There's this new girl in yoga, Addison. I like her. I think she's real but I'm also not 100% sure I've seen anyone else speaking with her. Then again, it's yoga and we're nearly always too busy focusing on what we're doing. I keep meaning to ask J to meet up for coffee after one session to see if he can see her.

Never being quite sure if things/people are real or not is weird. It can be scary but not as terrifying as hearing a disembodied voice calmly and precisely talk you through taking an overdose. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not sure I ever will be.

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is
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Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Dinosaurs. Doctor Who. Fanfiction. Knitting. Marvel. Space. Time travel. Wonder Woman.

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