A Do-Over

Jan. 1st, 2017 06:10 pm
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Clearly, J, S & I are too old to do the staying up to see in the New Year and associated fun times that we had until the small hours of the morning. This afternoon we were watching ET and S fell asleep. Next thing I know, J had shaken us both awake and sent us to bed. Well, OK, he sent me to bed and strongly suggested that S to as well. Which we did. And then he joined us. There wasn't even any sex, literally just sleeping.

Woke up about an hour and a half later and J had gone, left a note saying he'd gone to the football match. Mad man. It's raining out there and it's like 6 degrees- and he complains about his back and his knees and he's gone to watch a bunch of guys running around a football field. Ah well, he enjoys it at least.

I'm definitely still tired. I keep getting glimpses of this black shadowy figure out of the corner of my eye and a sense of being watched, and this strangest sensation of everything being muted by static. Not entirely pleasant. I'm 90% sure it's a hallucination but you always wonder. I also have no concentration span, I have no idea what's going on the movie - I'm not foowing it at all. I'm fidgety and it's taken me like 40 minutes to write this.
I've checked my pillbox and all my meds are taken. Note made of symptoms and influences in my tracker.
Ah the fun of mental health.

Can I have a do-over on January 1st, please?

S and I are watching Despicable Me and trying to decide what to have for dinner - and apparently I keep 'wandering off' while we're talking so I probably won't be allowed to cook, at least not unsupervised. We've narrowed it down to either a three-cheese risotto (because J isn't home and we can have fun experimenting/having new foods) or just having pie and mash.

Routine

Nov. 7th, 2016 10:20 pm
lucymorningstar: (Lucifer)
I like routines. I like having a structure to my day - especially my morning - and it helps me stop from getting too distracted by everything around me. Not completely but it definitely helps me. I have it written down in my bujo too, each day, and being able to tick each thing off gives me a sense of success. I also find that writing it out each day really solidifies what I'm doing.

I tried using Habitica but remembering to actually log into the website was much harder than having a notebook out on the table all the time.

It's taken me a while but I'm really pleased with the one I've got and it works for me. Of course, some days it doesn't for various reasons but because I've got it all written down, I can always go back to my checklist and see where I am. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what I'm doing based on clues around me.

Before bed I lay out what clothes I'm going to wear tomorrow, I make sure my phone is charging, my keys etc are on the table (same goes for J's and S's) and that I'm in bed with enough time to fall asleep to sleep well.

In the morning, I like to be up and showered before J&S - stops me getting distracted wanting to clean up the bathroom, tidy up after J etc. I dress and take my meds and I'm down in the kitchen and I've fed the dog and cats and I'm having breakfast before J&S start getting ready and we're not all in each others way.
I'd like to try and work in some exercise or some meditation time into the routine but I'm so used to how my mornings go that I don't want to risk it. I do have 'go for a walk' in my afternoon schedule once everything's done around the house so it's not like I'm not getting things done.

I like having a routine because starting the day of getting things done kind of sets me up for the rest of the day - like a forward momentum of productivity. If that mkes sense. Maybe to some people doing the same tasks in the same order may seem boring but to me? It's kind of soothing
lucymorningstar: (Pencil Circle)
ADHD is about having broken filters on your perception.

Neurotypical people have a sort of mental secretary that takes the 99% of irrelevant crap that crosses their mind, and simply deletes it before they become consciously aware of it. As such, their mental workspace is like a huge clean whiteboard, ready to hold and organize useful information.

I... don't. Every single thing that comes in the front door gets written directly on the whiteboard in bold, underlined red letters, no matter what it is, and no matter what has to be erased in order for it to fit.
I also have the problem of never being sure what sensory input I'm receiving is actually real vs what's a hallucination, I have no control over something imaginary wiping out something that's real.

This happens every single waking moment, and I have to manually examine each thought, check for relevance, and try desperately to remember what the thing was I was doing before it came along. Usually I forget, and if I'm not completely distracted by the shiny new thing, I'm stuck in the middle of a desert trying to guess what the hell I was doing from the clues available - hopefully without getting distracted by a completely different set of stimuli

I'm pretty good at working out the context of random remarks, as I'm effectively doing that all the time anyway.

I rely heavily on routine - which I've talked about before - and 90% of the time get by on autopilot. I can't get distracted from a sufficiently ingrained habit, from muscle memory, no matter what useless crap is going on inside my head... unless someone goes and actually disrupts my routine. I've actually been distracted out of taking my medication, on several occasions, by S reminding me to take my medication.

That's why the internet is like crack - it's this non-stop influx of constantly-new things, so I can flick from one to the next after only seconds, and a single click of a button. It's why I stayed away from it for so long. I didn't trust myself not to get sucked in.

The exception to this is a thing called hyper focus. Occasionally, when something just clicks with me, I can get ridiculously deeply drawn into it, and NOTHING can distract me. I can lose hours in the blink of an eye.
Somedays, this can actually be a good thing. Mostly, it's a negative.

Medication takes the edge off. It reduces the input, it tones down the fluster, it makes it easier to ignore trivial stuff (and, sometimes the important stuff too), and it increases the lengt of my concentration. Caffeine helps me calm down too, helps me focus but the come down is brutal. Energy drinks have been known to put me to sleep.

There was a sentence here that started with "I don't..." but my phone beeped and the I don't has become I don't know what I was actually going to say next. Or how I was going to finish this post. But apparently S is cold.
lucymorningstar: (Coulson)
I think I mentioned before that I left school over 20 years ago with no qualifications so I thought I'd take a moment to talk about that. I know a lot of people always wonder how that happened.

I was always classified as being the class 'trouble-maker' - I had no attention span, I was easily distracted (usually by my imaginary friends - who I preferred to my schoolmates), my memory was useless, I was forgetful, I didn't listen to the teacher, I could never sit still and was always fidgeting, I was a chatterbox, I never waited my turn... as I got older it just got worse and I would react... ah... extremely to any criticism from teachers - or anyone. The oddest things would make me laugh (especially when they made other people cry), I would get very angry very easily and take it out on both myself and other people. I had severe mood swings.

I lost track of the amount of times I was sent to the head-teachers office, sent to sit in the corridor, put in detention. I was kicked out of school multiple times. It got to the point where nobody even bothered any more. Did Lucy even go to school? I stopped going. I didn't take my exams.
No-one even noticed.

Fast forward to now and I have diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder and adhd. Schizo-affective basically being schizophrenia with bipolar. And attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. My main symptoms/struggles (which do overlap both):
Disorganised thinking. Being unable to organise myself. Short attention span. Poor memory. Not being able to stick to tedious tasks. Self-harm. Depression. Mania. Hallucinations/Delusions (seems the best friend I've had since I was about 3, who has pink hair? She's not real!). Not being able to sit still. Fidgeting. Excessive talking. Not being able to wait my turn. No concept of consequences.

See the overlap there?

I'm sure if I was in school these days, it would have been picked up. I would have been treated. I may even have thrived - because I really do enjoy learning. As long as I can do it at my own speed and in my own way.

The important thing is that it has been picked up, that I am being treated - both meds and counselling - and that I have found ways of coping with my... quirks.

Which is what brings us to toady. And starting to study English and Maths. I'd like to do Science (especially Physics) too but S was right when she said to start with these as I'd need them to be able to do science.

With English, I've been using the workbooks printed by a company called CGP Books who are the UK's main publisher for education books. I am starting at the beginning with what's known as Key Stage 1 - age 5-7
In the last couple of days I've learned what nouns are. What verbs are. What adjectives are. I use them all the time but I couldn't have told you what they are.
Nouns - they're things, like Lucy or anger or pizza or Wales.
Verbs - they're doing words, like typing or fucking or learning.
Adjectives - they describe nouns, like purple or hard or sweet. They can also be used to compare things - harder, fastest, stronger, slowest.
Isn't it weird how we can use the language but not know what it's individual parts?

We've ordered the CGP KS1 books for Maths and Science too - looking forward to them coming and being able to really get on with it.

I've been using the website Khan Academy for my maths - working through their 'missions', which are great because you do a few problems so the site can work out your level and guide you through learning, practising and 'mastering' each skill.
I completed the 'Early Math' mission which was mostly counting - then adding, subtracting, measuring, time, money, and shapes.
And now I'm working through the 'Arithmetic' mission - more advance adding, subtracting, multiplication and division. And pretty damn new to me topics like negative numbers, absolute value, decimals, and fractions.

For the first time in my life, I've been able to do long division. One 20 minute video and a couple of hours practice and I'm getting them right 85% of the time. The guy does the videos with different colours so I actually had this visual and 'ohhhh' that what 'bring the number down' does.

I've been doing things today like absolute values and improper fractions. I was talking to J on his lunch break and he had NO idea what I was even talking about. S said they hadn't invented fractions yet when J was at school! ;)

One of the things we need to work out is the length of time I'm able to study for. I've been doing either 10% of a mission or practising 5 skills on Khan. And I've been doing just a double page spread in the English books - but I think I can probably manage more. Trial and error, that'll be. Just like everything else.

So far so good though. It's all fitting into my daily schedule - which I'll have to show you one of these days!

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is

Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Atlantis. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Doctor Who. German. Lucifer. MacGyver 2016. Marvel. Maths. Mythology. Space. Star Wars. Time travel

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