lucymorningstar: (Black Widow)
My J really made me smile this. And it was just a simple thing, he told me I looked really sexy in what I was wearing.

I was in the kitchen and he came up behind me, arm around my waist, nuzzled my waist and told me how good I looked. I wasn't even wearing anything special - black skinny jeans, a blue pinstripe shirt and a navy v-neck jumper. I was fresh out the shower, my hair still damp...

But it made me feel good, being told I looked sexy. It put a smile on my face and I've had a spring in my step all day. It's still making me smile now even 10 hours later
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Insomnia, as I think we all know, is a bitch and it turns me into a bit of one. I think it does all of us to an extent. Who doesn't get a little bit cranky and snappy when they're overly tired? I get insomnia as a symptom of being schizoaffective, I get irritable as a symptom and I get irritable because I'm tired. It's all a vicious circle as most things are with mental health.

In a way I'm kind of used to not sleeping properly and most of my coping methods work most of the time. This is a special circumstance. I know I'm stressed and anxious, I don't deal with change and I'm not sleeping right because of it. I probably won't sleep right for weeks, if not months, because of it. I do have a prescription for sleeping pills if I need them and I hate them but I might have to rely on them for a while.

Too much of a lack of sleep makes all the other shit even harder to deal with... and as with vicious circles round and round we go.

S is also struggling to sleep properly because of the cast on her leg. She's not napping so much during the day either because she's not taking so many painkilers. S is not used to not getting enough sleep and she's getting really grouchy with it. She's also making herself wired by drinking caffeine to wake herself up but isn't doing anything to work off the energy... and so she can't sleep.
I feel really bad for her. She's has never had insomnia. She's seen me dealing with it for years and she told me that now she's experienced it just a little and has a vague idea of just some of what I go through, she told me she doesn't know how I cope. She made me cry when she cuddled me and said she was proud of me for keeping fighting through the darkness.

I feel really bad for J actually. He's got both of us suffering with sleep deprivation and being tired and irritable. How he doesn't yell at us when we're both being bitches I don't know. He just shrugs and says he knows he don't mean it, and he also said to me there'd be no point and that it would resolve anything. That man is a saint.

I probably had a point when I sat down and started to write but that was about 15 minutes ago now and I don't actually remember anymore. I'm tired, like the kind of tired where if I close my eyes too long I might actually go to sleep so I might crawl into bed. Even if all I do is nap for a few hours and I'm wide awake again after, I think that would be better than sitting here for 2 hours until 'bedtime'. I know I'm supposed to 'maintain regular sleep patterns' but I think in the current situation, sleeping when tired is more important.
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
S has just posted to say she doesn't think she likes using her name as her DW account and is asking her flist how they came up with their usernames. I thought that was quite an interesting question and it makes me want to ask you guys How did you come up with your username?

Mine is based off the character Lucifer Morningstar from the TV show Lucifer. The basic premise of the show is that Lucifer got bored of hell, left, is running a nightclub in LA and working with a homicide detective. He makes no secret of who he is, goes by the name of Lucifer Morningstar. One of his brothers, Amenadiel, calls him Lucy which I love because... well because it's name.

And so... [personal profile] lucymorningstar is me
although Morningstar clearly isn't my surname. (For anyone who's wondering, I changed it by deedpoll a few years ago so it's Anderson, the same as J and S)
lucymorningstar: (McKay)
If I just start posting like normal, no-one will notice I haven't been posting regularly, right?

Hello friends. Sorry for disappearing on you. Everything went crazy around here and I've been really struggling with my health because I've been so stressed out. And the one thing that seems to get dropped is finding time to do things that I enjoy. It's a really bad habit of mine that when I go into survival mode, I forget about me. And blogging/journalling is really good for my mental health, it helps me try to gt things out of my head and into a way that I can try and make sense of. So my bad habit of neglecting myself is something I really want to start working on and I'm going to bring it up with my new therapist.

Yes, a new one. One of the crazy things thats happening around here is that we're moving. I'm really stressed about it :(
S has been headhunted and has changed jobs but it's down in Cardiff so we're moving. We're supposed to be moving around August bank holiday Monday and then S is due to start her new job in September. She's really excited more it's more pure physics-centric than her current role which is more engineering based.

But!
Because there's always a but, right?
A couple of weeks ago, she broke her leg really badly. Like had to have pins put it in badly and was told that she has to have a cast on for 'at least three months' which takes her up to the beginning of September so she doesn't even know if she's going to be able to start taking her classes when the semeste starts

I'm really stressed for her but she's of the view that what will be will be, if she can't start classes in the Autumn semester, she'll start in Spring. Her new boss knows that she's injured and out of action and they're just taking it as it comes.

Mostly, she's just bored. That can be quite fun for me and J haha. She's getting better at getting around on crutches so we're hoping to be able to do some family activities over the summer. We've been doing a lot of 'Netflix and chill' and we're doing a Doctor Who rewatch which is fun. She's also got herself a DW which is [personal profile] samanderson. And she's learning to knit - and so am I!

Well. This post seems to have mostly been about S and I think I've rambled enough for today. Have a good week!
lucymorningstar: (Fluffy)
J, as I just posted over in his DW for him, has gone off with a couple of his old air force buddies. They're on their motorbikes and they're going fishing over in France. I probably think fishing is a euphemism for drinking a lot of beer and reminiscing about old times but they'll have a good time I'm sure.

S had a surprise unexpected day off. Something to do with the electrics and there being none. I do like getting to spend time with S, we don't do it often enough. I've been feeling a little twitchy because my routine has been off but it's been worth it.

We had a lazy start to the morning, some bdsm and sex fun then took the dogs out for a walk on the beach. in the rain. We were chasing each other in and out of the water - since we were already wet we didn't care about splashes and the dogs were playing too. Wet sand gets everywhere! We got the dogs clean and dry, then took a shower together. You can imagine where that went... haha. What can I say, my S is a sexy sexy woman and I can't keep my hands off her

After a rejuvenating nap, we had lunch out, took our time enjoying the meal and talking and being with each other. It was really nice. Good food, good company. We strolled through town for a bit (hand-in-hand, saw some of her students, probably confused them) and did a little bit of shopping - S got a beautiful flowery summer dress and a denim jacket, I got a suedette biker jacket.

This evening we just cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie, provided a suitable napping spot for the cats.

Tomorrow, if she's free and the weather is nice, we're going to head to Penrhyn Castle for the day, catch one of the Early Bird tours.
We're thinking of taking ourselves for a girly weekend to a spa, make the most of J being away.
lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
I've been trying to watch NCIS with J this morning but it's not be overly successful. I've been having some auditory issues, not hearing the bitch who attacks me or the kid who wants to play, more just white noise buzzing. and that makes it really difficult to concentrate on both the TV and on what J's been saying to me. J's confirmed that he can't hear it so it's most likely in my head. I'm actually hopping it's just a hallucination and not a physical problem with my ears. It's not constant though so I guess it's psychological. It's fucking annoying though!

Could it be interesting to write a post about my auditory hallucinations?

It's a shame because I've been enjoying NCIS. It's our first time watching it and we saw like 5 episodes last week. I'm starting to see why S loves these 'heres a dead body lets find out what happened to it' shows.
Gibbs. He's a bit of a bastard, isn't he? Very strange way of showing he cares and I bet he's got some big tragedy he's hiding that's stopping him from letting people in. He's also utterly gorgeous
Tony. Can we say favourite character? He's so cute and funny and yet really good at what he does and I want to do all kinds of filthy things to/with him!
Kate. I don't like her at all. She's so stuck up and I hate how she treats Tony.
Ducky. Reminds me of my dad, the way he's always got these stories and random facts about everything.
Abby. I'm not quite sure what I make of Abby. She's very unique isn't she? J says her exuberance and love reminds him of me <3

Instead of watching NCIS 1x06 I did some really geeky online things. I normally log all the TV and movies that I watch using Trakt and Letterboxd but I've been really slack at keeping up with it the last month or so. J's been listing still and I wrote most things down in my bujo so I've brought them up to date as much as I could.

Is it weird that I still refer to J as... well... J, considering I know some of you guys read his DW? (he's [personal profile] jackjanderson for anyone who doesn't know) so it's not like you don't know he's called Jack. And he uses Sam's name when he talks about her in his posts but I still refer to her as S here.
I guess I've just got used to using J&S when I write about them because I've been doing it for so long.
lucymorningstar: (McKay)
Things are going really well right now.

J & I have found our new routine for us both being home all day, especially now the weather is improving and he can get out on his bike, or spend time in the garden or go fishing. J & S have worked out spending more time with each other and she's lost that lingering jealousy that J & I are together all day.

J retiring has definitely been a learning curve and workng out new balances in our relationships but it's paid off and I think we're stronger than ever. It ended up not even being that big a change, just one thing - instead of Saturday mornings being me and J's time, the two of them do the grocery shopping together. They have their date nights on Tuesday late afternoon/all evening. Thursday during the day is still the time S & I spend together.

My sister's babies are doing well. They're healthy and thriving.

My dad actually had a conversation with S on the phone earlier.

See? Thngs are good. So why am I waiting for something to go wrong?
lucymorningstar: (Harry)
J and I have both lost weight over the last few months.

I've been actively trying for the last year and have lost 45lb, hit my target and am very very proud of myself. I've been making an effort to eat heathier, drink more water, only eat when I'm hungry, get exercise regularly.

J, the little shit, hasn't been trying and has unintentionally lost 30lb since Christmas. Which isn't fair but I'm very proud of him and damn he looks good right now. That man is sexy, you know?

To reward us, S took us both shopping. I was very happy about this. I love shopping for clothes and I've got some new dresses, some new jeans, some new tops, new underwear, had my hair done. It's like I've spring cleaned myself!

J... was a lot less happy about it. Honestly, the way he was going on you'd think we were torturing him or something. He actually ended up really pissing S off and oh boy, he got into trouble. Let's just say he got intimately acquainted with the cane this afternoon and I'm not sure he's gonna be sitting down anytime soon. He's also on a sex and orgasm ban for the rest of the month. I feel a bit bad for him but really he brought it on himself.
lucymorningstar: (Black Widow)
Sometimes my attention gets caught by and I focus on the most random things. The smallest details that can cause delight and that you want to remember because they're so silly and enjoyable.

Late this afternoon, J caught me standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at the laundry basket. When he got my attention back to reality and he asked me what as so fascinating about our sheets.

It was the way the light was catching and dancing on and around the swirls and wrinkles of a sheet that needed to be ironed and folded.

When I asked J what he wanted to remember about today, he said the chocolate muffins we had at lunchtime. They were pretty awesome and his had way more chocolate chips in it than I'm sure there should have been.

How about you? What would you like to remember about today?
lucymorningstar: (Default)
My J makes me laugh sometimes. I've said before how he's bored and trying to find a new hobby and he seems to be trying to do all of them all at the same time. And possibly just stalking me around the internet.

He's brushing up on his German on Duolingo, he's still futzing around with his blog, he's signed up to do a psychology course on line, he's trying out bujoing... he's even talked about trying to learn to knit. S has given him a list of jobs to do round the house and we're talking about redecorating the bedroom and having a new kitchen. He's also wanting to turn the other of the boxrooms into his own lttle 'study' like I've got. He's definitely enjoying spending time reading and doing crosswords though and the dogs are really loving having him to play with all the time.

He's a big dork and I really do love him.

I'm reading this book at the moment called Whoniverse: An Unofficial Planet-By-Planet Guide to the World of the Doctor from Gallifrey to Skaro by Lance Parkin and it's making me want to do a Doctor Who rewatch. Definitely 'new' Who but I'm also really tempted to go back and watch some 'classic' Who as well, start with Hartnell and work my way forwards in time. I know a lot of Patrick Troughton's stuff has been lost but rewatching Tom Baker and Jon Pertwee and I don't think I've ever gone back and rewatched Sylvester McCoy's stuff from the 80s

I think I need a Doctor Who icon!
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
It's been a really good weekend.

Friday night was our usual; all three of us going out for a pizza and a movie, we went to see Lego Batman because we're all about 6 years old. It was so much fun.

Saturday was entertaining. There was an England V Wales Rugby match. J is an England supporter. S is Welsh and yes, she supports Wales. Me, I don't give two hoots either way and... well lets just say I was a little bit tied up at the time, shall we?
Wales lost. S is still sulking and yes she took it out on J's ass when he gloated!

Today was a lazy morning in bed, the way Sundays are always. The afternoon was a little different to normal though - normally we play board games, watch DVDs, the weeks reward/punishments are dealt out. But today we went back to the cinema for Fifty Shades Darker. I know they're terrible, Grey is an abuser not a Dom and they're a horrific portrayal of BDSM but I still find myeslf enjoying the movies even though I know I shouldn't. Rewards/punishment will happen later when S is finished working for the night.

And now tonight. S is off in her office marking homework and finalising lesson plans. J's knee is bothering him and he's sitting with his legs up and a heat pack on his knee and he's doing a crossword and he's got his headphones on so he's probably listening to some opera or something. I've been trying to read but I'm tired and my attention span isn't brilliant. According to the time stamp I started this post and now it's already taken me 53 minutes to write this post. I'm reading two books at the moment. Whoniverse: An Unofficial Planet-By-Planet Guide to the World of the Doctor from Gallifrey to Skaro by Lance Parkin and The Sandman: Endless Nights by Neil Gaiman but I'm not concentrating so I'm rewatching a new favourite The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey. I have a mug of hot chocolate and a donut and life is pretty good.
lucymorningstar: (B&W Mac)
(Apparently if I'm going to tell you guys that J has a blog, I should actually give you the link. He's at [personal profile] jackjanderson - he's not sure he likes his username, he's not sure he likes his layout but he's liking 'the whole blogging thing' so far)

There's something comforting about rewatching favourite movies over again. I think it's the predictability factor - there's no surprises and it's safe because you know what's going to happen. It doesn't matter if I'm having low concentration or zoney out day, I'm not going to miss anything or risk being completely confused.

And, because of the types of moves that I like, the good guys always win.

I think the movies I've seen most are Star Wars, Back To The Future, Harry Potter, Marvel, X-Men, Jurassic Park. There's probably more too but those are definitely stand out ones.

J & I were re-watching Independance Day this afternoon. I dread to think how many times I've seen it but I always love it. I always get that sense of awe when the ships come in, the 'today we celebrate our independance' speech always give me shivers and I'm always on the edge of my seat at the climax.

Even if S was teasing us about watching it for the millionth time, and clearly itching to give us her usual 'bad science' rant about it. Although she had been watching us making out for a while and was maybe a little distracted. What can I say, J and I were curled up on the couc watching it this afternoon and there may have been making out like teenagers and... other related activities ;)

Crazy Month

Feb. 5th, 2017 06:41 am
lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
It's been an absolutely crazy couple of weeks. I don't know where the time has gone, I feel like it's completely run away with me and I've achieved nothing. I've not made it online or anything! It's also been manic and stressful and J and I have been fighting and we both got punished a lot and not in the really fun way either :(

See, J retired just before Christmas and it was all fun over the break. But then January and reality and normal kicked in and he didn't know what to do with himself. He's not used to being home and having nothing to do and he got bored - and even more bored once S had gone back to school. It was fun to start with, having J around all the time and, yes, there was a lot of sex :)

But then it stopped being so fun. Chores and errands weren't getting done. S would get mad at both of us. Then because my routine was interrupted, I wasn't taking my medications and got sick and there was yelling and guilt and it all really wasn't fun. I got lectured on routines and distractions and the importance of my health, and J did too. And he was told that he has to let me do my jobs first and if he wants to help he has to ask because my routine is important. He was also told to find something to do, to find a new hobby.

That was about 10 days ago. We now both have behaviour and chore charts and we have to report to S each day about what we did. We get either daily punishment or reward as necessary. It's working though. I'm recovering again, I've got my routine back and I'm happier. Still a little insomnia but it's getting better. And the house is back to normal standards. Which makes S happier. J's been letting me get on with my work, or helping out in little ways but he mostly reads or watches TV while I'm working. And he's got a new hobby - he's discovered the internet, got himself a laptop and even has a blog

Hopefully this new equilibrium will continue!

A Do-Over

Jan. 1st, 2017 06:10 pm
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Clearly, J, S & I are too old to do the staying up to see in the New Year and associated fun times that we had until the small hours of the morning. This afternoon we were watching ET and S fell asleep. Next thing I know, J had shaken us both awake and sent us to bed. Well, OK, he sent me to bed and strongly suggested that S to as well. Which we did. And then he joined us. There wasn't even any sex, literally just sleeping.

Woke up about an hour and a half later and J had gone, left a note saying he'd gone to the football match. Mad man. It's raining out there and it's like 6 degrees- and he complains about his back and his knees and he's gone to watch a bunch of guys running around a football field. Ah well, he enjoys it at least.

I'm definitely still tired. I keep getting glimpses of this black shadowy figure out of the corner of my eye and a sense of being watched, and this strangest sensation of everything being muted by static. Not entirely pleasant. I'm 90% sure it's a hallucination but you always wonder. I also have no concentration span, I have no idea what's going on the movie - I'm not foowing it at all. I'm fidgety and it's taken me like 40 minutes to write this.
I've checked my pillbox and all my meds are taken. Note made of symptoms and influences in my tracker.
Ah the fun of mental health.

Can I have a do-over on January 1st, please?

S and I are watching Despicable Me and trying to decide what to have for dinner - and apparently I keep 'wandering off' while we're talking so I probably won't be allowed to cook, at least not unsupervised. We've narrowed it down to either a three-cheese risotto (because J isn't home and we can have fun experimenting/having new foods) or just having pie and mash.
lucymorningstar: (Black Widow)
Today is my beautiful S's birthday - 48 today

J and I are spoiling her completely. Breakfast in bed, presents, plenty of attention paid to her. She's currently taking her time soaking in a hot bubble bath and J is making dinner.

I got her a voucher for a wine and cheese tasting day. J got her a season pass for the Rugby club she supports - both her and J want to get back to going to see the sports teams they support. She's actually going to see Bangor play Llangefni tonight.

This afternoon though, promises to be lazy and funflled and warm and naked. My favourite!
lucymorningstar: (Lucifer)
I'm starting to think about my goals for January, about what I want to achieve.

The main thing will be finding a new routine with J being home all the time, him working out what he's going to do and me learning to work around him being here. He's good at understanding I have a routine and I'm hoping he's not going to interrupt.

I want to find a proper blogging and commenting schedule.

I want to do a full de-clutter of the house... sort out things like paperwork, clothing, towels, bedding etc. All the little things that keep getting forgotten. Start the new year with a good clear out.

I want to read one book.
lucymorningstar: (Default)
I am currently stretched out on the sofa, listening to George Michael singing Last Christmas. I have the house to myself - J&S are at work and I've finished all my chores for the day so I have the afternoon to do as I please. I'm warm, the fire is on and Odin is stretched out asleep in front of it. He's dreaming, back legs twitching and making some interesting noises. Aslan is curled up on my feet and Jadis is on the back of the sofa. They're both asleep too.

I keep trying to read but I'm finding myself far too easily distracted for that. I'm thinking of maybe joining them in a nap. But I'm also tempted to put on a movie - Harry Potter, maybe - or get out the cards and play some solitare.
lucymorningstar: (Default)
My perfect Christmas would be waking up not too early but not too late to a picture perfect snowy morning. Me, J & S would bundle up and take Odin for a brisk walk, maybe down as far as the beach. A snowball fight.

Back home to a hot drink, cooked breakfast. The lights on on the trees and opening presents.

A big Christmas lunch, roast turkey with all the trimmings. Christmas pudding.

An afternoon spent watching movies and/or playing board games. Eating chocolates and cookies and mince pies.

A good play session before bed.
lucymorningstar: (Default)
I hate the 'What do you want for Christmas?' question. There's not really a whole lot I actually want and I much prefer buying presents than receiving them. I've updated my amazon wish list and sent it to my brother and sisters but I... the whole idea of being brought something for the sake of it just bugs me.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Christmas. I am a huge fan of Christmas, love everything about it. I especially love giving presents, watching people unwrap them. I'm weird, I know and I always end up getting given stuff I adore but I don't like asking for things. I can't explain it but it makes me feel a little weird.

So for J I've got him the aviator shades he's had his eye on for a while. I've got S a wine and cheese tasting experience (and for her birthday which is on the 28th a leather jacket I think she'll look amazing in).
My parents have mentioned wanting to get their couch re-upholstered so I think that's going to be their gift from us.
My neices and nephews are easy to buy for and have provided me with a nice list of books/games/clothes/etc that they want.
So that really just leaves my siblings to buy for!
lucymorningstar: (Harry)
Today has been a very good day, especially food wise.

I spent this afternoon baking chocolate fudge cupcakes and the kitchen smelled wonderful. S was very happy because she loves chocolate cupcakes and she just kept hanging around the kitchen like a kid. I even let her lick the spoon haha

And then this evening I made macaroni cheese. My own special recipe using mustard, bacon and tomatoes. J loves it and was literally poking me while it was cooking, asking how long it was going to take. Then the poking lead to tickling and S joined in and really they were lucky dinner didn't get burned ;)

I thought though that I would share my recipe because I'm nice like that and everyone deserves to try it because it's amazing!

Macaroni Cheese with Bacon and Tomatoes

Ingredients
240g elbow macaroni
100g smoked bacon lardons
2 onions, peeled and finely diced
2 tomatoes, chopped
2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely diced
40g butter
40g flour
1/2 teaspoon Dijon Mustard
450ml milk
150g grated mature Cheddar cheese (plus extra for the topping)
salt and pepper to taste

Directions
Pre-heat oven to 200C/400F/Gas mark 6.
Boil macaroni in salted water and drain. Add cold water and drain again. Set to one side
Add the bacon lardons, onion, tomatoes and garlic to a frying pan and sauté over a medium heat until the bacon is crisp and the tomatoes and onions are cooked.
Add the bacon, tomato and onion mix to the cooked macaroni and mix well. Spoon the macaroni and bacon mixture into a buttered oven proof dish.
To make the sauce: melt the butter then add the flour and mustard powder and mix well. Add the milk gradually, beating well, and then simmer over a low heat until you have a thick sauce. Add the grated Cheddar cheese and mix until melted, then season to taste with salt and pepper.
Pour the sauce over the macaroni mixture, scatter some extra grated cheese over the top and bake in pre-heated oven for 15 to 20 minutes until golden brown and bubbling.

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is
+
Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Dinosaurs. Doctor Who. Fanfiction. Knitting. Marvel. Space. Time travel. Wonder Woman.

Tags

Style Credit