lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
After I mentioned thinking about doing a post about auditory hallucinations some of you said you would be interested in reading about them, so this is me attemtping to write about them. I'm not an expert and I don't know if I'll make any kind of sense but I'll do my best.

I have schizoaffective disorder which is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at the same time.
Manic depression/bipolar is characterized by a cycle of moods between the opposite extremes of depression and a euphoric state called mania.
Schizophrenia is characterized by such disturbances in thought as visual and auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.
Schizoaffectives like me get to experience the best of both worlds, with disturbances in both thought and mood.

I have had auditory hallucinations since I was a teenager. We all have that voice that we talk to ourselves with inside our head, like our own narrator. It's the voice you hear when you're reading this. Hearing voices isn't like that. You know that your inner voice is just your own thoughts, that it's not something you're hearing someone else say. Auditory hallucinations sound like they're coming from outside your head and it can be really hard to distinguish them from someone else actually talking to you.

I hear someone shout my name, I reply or turn to look and there's no-one there. I'll look around and I can't find anyone. A lot of the time it's a lot more disturing. The voices I hear are horrible to me, they tell me I'm worthless, that I deserve to die, they tell me how to kill myself, that J & S aren't real/hate me. Sometimes it's 'just' a running commentary of anything that's going on, like I'm the subject of a David Attenborough documentary Lucy is sitting on the couch, with her legs crossed and her laptop on her knees. She is writing a dreamwidth post about her hallucinations. J is in the garden with the dogs style. Or sometimes the voices are shouting my thoughts outloud, so everyone else around me can hear what I'm thinking. Except they can't because the voices aren't real but at the time you don't always realise that they're not real. It can be pretty terrifying.

The voice quite often has a person attached to it; it's not alway disembodied. I've replied to something someone's said only they've not said something (I saw a person, I heard a voice, the two weren't connected) or the person aren't even there. And it's not always negative, it can just be someone asking me how I am or saying they like my dress. It was unsettling to find out my best friend isn't real. You know that moment in Sixth Sense when you find out Bruce Willis is a ghost and then you realise that no-one else has interacted with him the whole movie? It's like that.

There's this new girl in yoga, Addison. I like her. I think she's real but I'm also not 100% sure I've seen anyone else speaking with her. Then again, it's yoga and we're nearly always too busy focusing on what we're doing. I keep meaning to ask J to meet up for coffee after one session to see if he can see her.

Never being quite sure if things/people are real or not is weird. It can be scary but not as terrifying as hearing a disembodied voice calmly and precisely talk you through taking an overdose. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not sure I ever will be.
lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
I've been trying to watch NCIS with J this morning but it's not be overly successful. I've been having some auditory issues, not hearing the bitch who attacks me or the kid who wants to play, more just white noise buzzing. and that makes it really difficult to concentrate on both the TV and on what J's been saying to me. J's confirmed that he can't hear it so it's most likely in my head. I'm actually hopping it's just a hallucination and not a physical problem with my ears. It's not constant though so I guess it's psychological. It's fucking annoying though!

Could it be interesting to write a post about my auditory hallucinations?

It's a shame because I've been enjoying NCIS. It's our first time watching it and we saw like 5 episodes last week. I'm starting to see why S loves these 'heres a dead body lets find out what happened to it' shows.
Gibbs. He's a bit of a bastard, isn't he? Very strange way of showing he cares and I bet he's got some big tragedy he's hiding that's stopping him from letting people in. He's also utterly gorgeous
Tony. Can we say favourite character? He's so cute and funny and yet really good at what he does and I want to do all kinds of filthy things to/with him!
Kate. I don't like her at all. She's so stuck up and I hate how she treats Tony.
Ducky. Reminds me of my dad, the way he's always got these stories and random facts about everything.
Abby. I'm not quite sure what I make of Abby. She's very unique isn't she? J says her exuberance and love reminds him of me <3

Instead of watching NCIS 1x06 I did some really geeky online things. I normally log all the TV and movies that I watch using Trakt and Letterboxd but I've been really slack at keeping up with it the last month or so. J's been listing still and I wrote most things down in my bujo so I've brought them up to date as much as I could.

Is it weird that I still refer to J as... well... J, considering I know some of you guys read his DW? (he's [personal profile] jackjanderson for anyone who doesn't know) so it's not like you don't know he's called Jack. And he uses Sam's name when he talks about her in his posts but I still refer to her as S here.
I guess I've just got used to using J&S when I write about them because I've been doing it for so long.

A Do-Over

Jan. 1st, 2017 06:10 pm
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Clearly, J, S & I are too old to do the staying up to see in the New Year and associated fun times that we had until the small hours of the morning. This afternoon we were watching ET and S fell asleep. Next thing I know, J had shaken us both awake and sent us to bed. Well, OK, he sent me to bed and strongly suggested that S to as well. Which we did. And then he joined us. There wasn't even any sex, literally just sleeping.

Woke up about an hour and a half later and J had gone, left a note saying he'd gone to the football match. Mad man. It's raining out there and it's like 6 degrees- and he complains about his back and his knees and he's gone to watch a bunch of guys running around a football field. Ah well, he enjoys it at least.

I'm definitely still tired. I keep getting glimpses of this black shadowy figure out of the corner of my eye and a sense of being watched, and this strangest sensation of everything being muted by static. Not entirely pleasant. I'm 90% sure it's a hallucination but you always wonder. I also have no concentration span, I have no idea what's going on the movie - I'm not foowing it at all. I'm fidgety and it's taken me like 40 minutes to write this.
I've checked my pillbox and all my meds are taken. Note made of symptoms and influences in my tracker.
Ah the fun of mental health.

Can I have a do-over on January 1st, please?

S and I are watching Despicable Me and trying to decide what to have for dinner - and apparently I keep 'wandering off' while we're talking so I probably won't be allowed to cook, at least not unsupervised. We've narrowed it down to either a three-cheese risotto (because J isn't home and we can have fun experimenting/having new foods) or just having pie and mash.
lucymorningstar: (B&W Mac)
This time a topic I've thought long and hard about how to answer. My answer itself is very simple but it's the wording of it. I've also gone and learned how to do an post-cut thing so as to hide things from people who, for various reasons, wouldn't feel comfortable reading about it. The last thing I want is to accidentally trigger someone.

A time I thought about ending my own life )
lucymorningstar: (Coulson)
I think I mentioned before that I left school over 20 years ago with no qualifications so I thought I'd take a moment to talk about that. I know a lot of people always wonder how that happened.

I was always classified as being the class 'trouble-maker' - I had no attention span, I was easily distracted (usually by my imaginary friends - who I preferred to my schoolmates), my memory was useless, I was forgetful, I didn't listen to the teacher, I could never sit still and was always fidgeting, I was a chatterbox, I never waited my turn... as I got older it just got worse and I would react... ah... extremely to any criticism from teachers - or anyone. The oddest things would make me laugh (especially when they made other people cry), I would get very angry very easily and take it out on both myself and other people. I had severe mood swings.

I lost track of the amount of times I was sent to the head-teachers office, sent to sit in the corridor, put in detention. I was kicked out of school multiple times. It got to the point where nobody even bothered any more. Did Lucy even go to school? I stopped going. I didn't take my exams.
No-one even noticed.

Fast forward to now and I have diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder and adhd. Schizo-affective basically being schizophrenia with bipolar. And attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. My main symptoms/struggles (which do overlap both):
Disorganised thinking. Being unable to organise myself. Short attention span. Poor memory. Not being able to stick to tedious tasks. Self-harm. Depression. Mania. Hallucinations/Delusions (seems the best friend I've had since I was about 3, who has pink hair? She's not real!). Not being able to sit still. Fidgeting. Excessive talking. Not being able to wait my turn. No concept of consequences.

See the overlap there?

I'm sure if I was in school these days, it would have been picked up. I would have been treated. I may even have thrived - because I really do enjoy learning. As long as I can do it at my own speed and in my own way.

The important thing is that it has been picked up, that I am being treated - both meds and counselling - and that I have found ways of coping with my... quirks.

Which is what brings us to toady. And starting to study English and Maths. I'd like to do Science (especially Physics) too but S was right when she said to start with these as I'd need them to be able to do science.

With English, I've been using the workbooks printed by a company called CGP Books who are the UK's main publisher for education books. I am starting at the beginning with what's known as Key Stage 1 - age 5-7
In the last couple of days I've learned what nouns are. What verbs are. What adjectives are. I use them all the time but I couldn't have told you what they are.
Nouns - they're things, like Lucy or anger or pizza or Wales.
Verbs - they're doing words, like typing or fucking or learning.
Adjectives - they describe nouns, like purple or hard or sweet. They can also be used to compare things - harder, fastest, stronger, slowest.
Isn't it weird how we can use the language but not know what it's individual parts?

We've ordered the CGP KS1 books for Maths and Science too - looking forward to them coming and being able to really get on with it.

I've been using the website Khan Academy for my maths - working through their 'missions', which are great because you do a few problems so the site can work out your level and guide you through learning, practising and 'mastering' each skill.
I completed the 'Early Math' mission which was mostly counting - then adding, subtracting, measuring, time, money, and shapes.
And now I'm working through the 'Arithmetic' mission - more advance adding, subtracting, multiplication and division. And pretty damn new to me topics like negative numbers, absolute value, decimals, and fractions.

For the first time in my life, I've been able to do long division. One 20 minute video and a couple of hours practice and I'm getting them right 85% of the time. The guy does the videos with different colours so I actually had this visual and 'ohhhh' that what 'bring the number down' does.

I've been doing things today like absolute values and improper fractions. I was talking to J on his lunch break and he had NO idea what I was even talking about. S said they hadn't invented fractions yet when J was at school! ;)

One of the things we need to work out is the length of time I'm able to study for. I've been doing either 10% of a mission or practising 5 skills on Khan. And I've been doing just a double page spread in the English books - but I think I can probably manage more. Trial and error, that'll be. Just like everything else.

So far so good though. It's all fitting into my daily schedule - which I'll have to show you one of these days!

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is

Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Atlantis. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Doctor Who. German. Lucifer. MacGyver 2016. Marvel. Maths. Mythology. Space. Star Wars. Time travel

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