lucymorningstar: (#teamsteve)
S has just posted to say she doesn't think she likes using her name as her DW account and is asking her flist how they came up with their usernames. I thought that was quite an interesting question and it makes me want to ask you guys How did you come up with your username?

Mine is based off the character Lucifer Morningstar from the TV show Lucifer. The basic premise of the show is that Lucifer got bored of hell, left, is running a nightclub in LA and working with a homicide detective. He makes no secret of who he is, goes by the name of Lucifer Morningstar. One of his brothers, Amenadiel, calls him Lucy which I love because... well because it's name.

And so... [personal profile] lucymorningstar is me
although Morningstar clearly isn't my surname. (For anyone who's wondering, I changed it by deedpoll a few years ago so it's Anderson, the same as J and S)

New people

Apr. 19th, 2017 08:07 pm
lucymorningstar: (Elephant)
Hello new people (both from Spacemonkey and from [community profile] 2017revival and welcome to my little corner of Dreamwidth.

Those of you who have joined from [community profile] 2017revival know the basis from my intro post, and there's a summary of it posted just over there on my sidebar.

But, I guess a proper introduction wouldn't go amiss.

Hello! I'm Lucy. I'm 38, I'm a homemaker and I'm an English woman living in North Wales. I'm a Scorpio born in the Year Of The Horse, an ESTJ, sorted into Hufflepuff, align as neutral evil and am basically a hopeless romantic. I will happily call myself a geek and a sci-fi lover.

The first things you should know about me are that I'm a bisexual submissive and in a poly D/s relationship with the utterly wonderful J&S. I also sffer from schizo-affective disorder, ADHD and insomnia. These are the main topics I talk about. If any of these points make you feel uncomfortable, please feel free to defriend me. I completely understand and no hard feelings.

I left school with no qualifications due to my mental health issues, but I'm working on studying English, Maths, German and Science and would like to actually get to a point where I feel comfortable taking my GCSEs.

I love to bake and cook, and I find cleaning to be very therapeutic. I hate gardening and DIY - but luckily J loves them.

I'm pretty extraverted (yet socially awkward) and sarcastic, and have been told I have a warped sense of humour. I don't have a clear sense of where 'the line' is. I'm a pessimist yet a bug kid at heart.

My current obsessions include:
Aliens. Angels. Atlantis. Board games. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Doctor Who. German. Lucifer. MacGyver 2016. Marvel. Maths. Mythology. Space. Star Wars. Time Travel.

Any questions?
lucymorningstar: (Harry)
I was thinking about New Years Resolutions and what I want to achieve, my goals for 2017.

I definitely want to continue working on my English, Maths and Science. I want to continue eating healthily and exercising. I want to retain my current mental health levels.
These are all things that have been working well for me in 2016

I heard about a website called Day Zero Project which says it's an an online community for people who love creating lists, setting challenges, and making positive changes in their lives. and it's most famous for being the home of the 101 Things In 1001 Days challenge... which is something I know I cannot commit to.

But they have a challenge called '7 Things x 2017' which is taglined as An alternative to boring New Years' resolutions. A list of seven prompts to get you thinking about what you want to achieve in 2017. And based on these prompts, I've set myself the below goals
Learn how to speak German
Start drinking more water
Stop eating when I'm not hungry
Take a vacation to somewhere new
Find happiness in the small things
Try rock climbing
Be more patient with myself
lucymorningstar: (Default)
In my group session last night, we were talking about how with all the crap that goes on - in our brains, in our lives, in the world around us and in the world in general - and how it's really easy to get lost in the negativity and how we get caught in a dark feedback cycle which really isn't very easy to break. And we talked about how important it is to look after ourselves, to take the time to do things for us, to do the things we like, the things we enjoy, the things that make us feel better. How self-care is good for us.

Being me, I went and made a Self Care spread in my journal, listing out some of the things I can do for myself when I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed. My top items are:

  • go for a walk

  • play with the dog and/or cats

  • do some yoga

  • take a nap

  • dance

  • take a bath

  • have a massage

  • buy fresh flowers

  • listen to some music

  • bake

  • What do you do for yourself to help combat stress? What are your favourite self-care routines?
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Considering the first thing I had to do was look up what my zodiac sign even is, I think it tells you a lot about how much stock I put into such things. It appeas that being born on November 17th makes me Scorpio. I've learned something new today. Continuing googling, I learn from a website called that
Strengths: Resourceful, brave, passionate, stubborn, a true friend
Weaknesses: Distrusting, jealous, secretive, violent
Scorpio likes: Truth, facts, being right, longtime friends, teasing, a grand passion
Scorpio dislikes: Dishonesty, revealing secrets, passive people

Scorpio-born are passionate and assertive people. They are determined and decisive, and will research until they find out the truth. Scorpio is a great leader, always aware of the situation and also features prominently in resourcefulness.

Scorpio is a Water sign and lives to experience and express emotions. Although emotions are very important for Scorpio, they manifest them differently than other water signs. In any case, you can be sure that the Scorpio will keep your secrets, whatever they may be.

Pluto is the planet of transformation and regeneration, and also the ruler of this zodiac sign. Scorpios are known by their calm and cool behavior, and by their mysterious appearance. People often say that Scorpio-born are fierce, probably because they understand very well the rules of the universe. Some Scorpio-born can look older than they actually are. They are excellent leaders because they are very dedicated to what they do. Scorpios hate dishonesty and they can be very jealous and suspicious, so they need to learn how to adapt more easily to different human behaviors. Scorpios are brave and therefore they have a lot of friends

Let's see - yes, I agree that I'm passionate and stubborn and probably pretty brave. I definitely appreciate being told the truth, having my friends for a long time and a certain type of teasing! I also agree with hating dishonesty.
I don't agree with being 'Distrusting, jealous, secretive, violent' at ALL.
I'm not the most assertive person in the world, but I do like to think I'm a fact-finder and will dig til I find the truth. When I'm in the right frame of mind then yes, I'm very aware of the situation... probably hyper-aware sometimes.
I'm very emotional that's true. I'm definitely not 'cool and calm' or mysterious!
I'm not a good leader, I'm not jealous and suspicious and I don't really have a lot of friends.

So there you have it. I don't particularly think I'm a very typical Scorpio
lucymorningstar: (John)
I'm trying really hard not to over-think the meaning of an interesting fact and just go straight into listing them.

1) I was named after the character of Lucy Pevensie from The Chronicles Of Narnia - and the girl she was based on - June Flewett, Lady Freud. My full name is Lucy June Beatrice
2) I am the middle child of 5. I have one elder brother Peter, one elder sister Susan, and twin younger sisters Polly & Esme. We are all named for characters from the Narnia books
3) I'm in a poly triad relationship with J&S. We've been together 6 years
4) We have two cats (Jadis & Aslan - yes, carrying on the Narnia theme) and one dog (Odin)
5) I am fascinated by Angels
6) My favourite board game is Monopoly.
7) I have a keen interest in cryptozoology and the paranormal
8) I love science-fiction, especially when it involves space exploration
9) I have schizoaffective disorder and ADHD
10) I am ridiculously obsessed with my bulletjournal
11) I am completely addicted to watching planwithme videos on youtube
12) I really to plan the way the girls in the community do, but I'm not prepared to pay the price of the planners or the sticker sets
13) But I really want an Erin Condren Life Planner. Or a Travellers Notebook. Or a Filofax
14) I left school with no qualifications
15) I'm currently studying English, Maths, Science and German.
16) I can lose myself in Tetris for hours
17) Ditto for Solitaire
18) Elephants are my favourite animals
19) I'm really looking forward to the Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them movie coming out
20) And Rogue One
21) I've been listening to a lot of Aerosmith the last few days
22) I have had a huge crush on Richard Dean Anderson since he was MacGyver.
23) I love all the superhero movies of the last few years, especially Captain America.
24) Chocolate is one of my biggest weaknesses
25) Caffeine makes me sleepy
26) I'm very tactile and love cuddling wih J and/or S
27) I'm submissive to both my partners and love being tied up
28) I love orgasm control
29) I hate pain
30) For our first anniversary, J got me a blue stuffed unicorn. It still sits on the back of our couch

There you have it. 30 facts about me. I've no idea how interesting they are but those were the first 30 that sprang to mind.
lucymorningstar: (Fluffy)
Um... where to start? I'm not religious myself, I don't align myself with any faith. I have too many issues, too many questions and it just doesn't properly resonate with me. I was brought up Church Of England, went to Sunday School and church every week from the age of like 7-12. I'd definitely class myself as an Atheist though.

I can, however, understand some of the many reasons that other people believe in their higher power and their religion - especially the community side of things. I get that people want to believe in something more than this.

Religion kind of fascinates me, actually. And I find it intriguing how many of the religions have such similar stories. It makes sense though, if you think about it, if you believe that we all started in one place and slowly spread out - the stories, the myths will have evolved over time as the environment the people are in changed.

I'm especially fascinated with angels in all manifestations and cultures but especially as warriors as dipicted in Christian Mythology. I dont know why, I just find the concept of them to be awe-inspiring.
lucymorningstar: (Pencil Circle)
ADHD is about having broken filters on your perception.

Neurotypical people have a sort of mental secretary that takes the 99% of irrelevant crap that crosses their mind, and simply deletes it before they become consciously aware of it. As such, their mental workspace is like a huge clean whiteboard, ready to hold and organize useful information.

I... don't. Every single thing that comes in the front door gets written directly on the whiteboard in bold, underlined red letters, no matter what it is, and no matter what has to be erased in order for it to fit.
I also have the problem of never being sure what sensory input I'm receiving is actually real vs what's a hallucination, I have no control over something imaginary wiping out something that's real.

This happens every single waking moment, and I have to manually examine each thought, check for relevance, and try desperately to remember what the thing was I was doing before it came along. Usually I forget, and if I'm not completely distracted by the shiny new thing, I'm stuck in the middle of a desert trying to guess what the hell I was doing from the clues available - hopefully without getting distracted by a completely different set of stimuli

I'm pretty good at working out the context of random remarks, as I'm effectively doing that all the time anyway.

I rely heavily on routine - which I've talked about before - and 90% of the time get by on autopilot. I can't get distracted from a sufficiently ingrained habit, from muscle memory, no matter what useless crap is going on inside my head... unless someone goes and actually disrupts my routine. I've actually been distracted out of taking my medication, on several occasions, by S reminding me to take my medication.

That's why the internet is like crack - it's this non-stop influx of constantly-new things, so I can flick from one to the next after only seconds, and a single click of a button. It's why I stayed away from it for so long. I didn't trust myself not to get sucked in.

The exception to this is a thing called hyper focus. Occasionally, when something just clicks with me, I can get ridiculously deeply drawn into it, and NOTHING can distract me. I can lose hours in the blink of an eye.
Somedays, this can actually be a good thing. Mostly, it's a negative.

Medication takes the edge off. It reduces the input, it tones down the fluster, it makes it easier to ignore trivial stuff (and, sometimes the important stuff too), and it increases the lengt of my concentration. Caffeine helps me calm down too, helps me focus but the come down is brutal. Energy drinks have been known to put me to sleep.

There was a sentence here that started with "I don't..." but my phone beeped and the I don't has become I don't know what I was actually going to say next. Or how I was going to finish this post. But apparently S is cold.
lucymorningstar: (Brand New)
I am a big fan of having a daily routine, of knowing what I'm going to be doing. I have a to-do list every day, as well as having recently started ticking off my habits/dailies/to-dos on Habitica. It helps keep me calm, knowing what I'm going to be doing. Most important, it keeps me focussed on what I'm doing, what I've done and what needs to be.
Routine, for me, is a very good thing.

Most days I get up with J&S, sometimes there's some morning play, sometimes not. Either way, I like to be up and out of bed by 9am. The rest of my days general go something like:
Eat breakfast and take morning medication
Shower, brush teeth, rinse with mouthwash, put on deoderant and get dressed.
Brush my hair and apply makeup.
Make the bed.
Do any laundry that needs doing.
Clear away any clutter - check the floors and generally tidy the house up.

The next step then depends on the day of the week:
Monday - clean the bathroom
Tuesday - dusting and polishing
Wednesday - sweeping and/or vacuuming
Friday - mopping
Sunday - change sheets and towels

After the housework is done, I try and get some fresh air and exercise. I'll either go for a walk or have a swim. I'm trying to remember to include other types of exercise. I've seen a 30 day ab challenge that I'd like to give a go in May.

Lunch is at 1pm, followed by midday medications.
The afternoon, providing all the daily chores are completed, is my time. I come online, I check my emails. I check off my completed tasks on Habitica. I post on livejournal/dreamwidth/dreamwidth, I comment to my friends lists. I catch up on the geekgirl forums, I poke around on Etsy and Tumblr and Pinterest. I watch TV.
I've spent today mostly setting up my Bullet Journal and I'll have to work out where updating this comes into my daily plan.

We have our evening meal around 6pm. We watch something together. J & I do the dishes, and we clean the kitchen up.

Then comes the studying. 10% of my current mission on Khan Academy, plus one topic in my English, Maths and Science workbooks.

After studying, if any discipline or punishment is due to either me or J, it will be dished out. it depends on the time what happens next. Some nights we'll watch a DVD, or play a game. Or play. Sometimes it'll be all of us, sometimes not. Depends on what mood we're all in, what we're all doing.

Last thing at night, I take my evening medication and brush my teeth. I try to read for 15 minutes before crawling into bed - ideally, no later than 11pm.

It's all very exciting, I know!
lucymorningstar: (Elephant)
I know I already did this once but [personal profile] tenapennydreams gave me the letter H so I'm playing again!

Something I hate: Hairy back/shoulders.
Makes me shudder and gag. Ugh
Something I love: Habitica
It's a website/app where you turn your life into an rpg, and complting your daily tasks earns your points to level up/improve your character
Somewhere I've been: Harleh
It's a coastal town about an hour from here, beautiful castle.
Somewhere I'd like to go: Heraklion
One of the largest cities in greece, capital of Crete. And Knossos - or the Palace of Minos - is nearby
A film I like: Harry Potter
lucymorningstar: (Coulson)
I think I mentioned before that I left school over 20 years ago with no qualifications so I thought I'd take a moment to talk about that. I know a lot of people always wonder how that happened.

I was always classified as being the class 'trouble-maker' - I had no attention span, I was easily distracted (usually by my imaginary friends - who I preferred to my schoolmates), my memory was useless, I was forgetful, I didn't listen to the teacher, I could never sit still and was always fidgeting, I was a chatterbox, I never waited my turn... as I got older it just got worse and I would react... ah... extremely to any criticism from teachers - or anyone. The oddest things would make me laugh (especially when they made other people cry), I would get very angry very easily and take it out on both myself and other people. I had severe mood swings.

I lost track of the amount of times I was sent to the head-teachers office, sent to sit in the corridor, put in detention. I was kicked out of school multiple times. It got to the point where nobody even bothered any more. Did Lucy even go to school? I stopped going. I didn't take my exams.
No-one even noticed.

Fast forward to now and I have diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder and adhd. Schizo-affective basically being schizophrenia with bipolar. And attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. My main symptoms/struggles (which do overlap both):
Disorganised thinking. Being unable to organise myself. Short attention span. Poor memory. Not being able to stick to tedious tasks. Self-harm. Depression. Mania. Hallucinations/Delusions (seems the best friend I've had since I was about 3, who has pink hair? She's not real!). Not being able to sit still. Fidgeting. Excessive talking. Not being able to wait my turn. No concept of consequences.

See the overlap there?

I'm sure if I was in school these days, it would have been picked up. I would have been treated. I may even have thrived - because I really do enjoy learning. As long as I can do it at my own speed and in my own way.

The important thing is that it has been picked up, that I am being treated - both meds and counselling - and that I have found ways of coping with my... quirks.

Which is what brings us to toady. And starting to study English and Maths. I'd like to do Science (especially Physics) too but S was right when she said to start with these as I'd need them to be able to do science.

With English, I've been using the workbooks printed by a company called CGP Books who are the UK's main publisher for education books. I am starting at the beginning with what's known as Key Stage 1 - age 5-7
In the last couple of days I've learned what nouns are. What verbs are. What adjectives are. I use them all the time but I couldn't have told you what they are.
Nouns - they're things, like Lucy or anger or pizza or Wales.
Verbs - they're doing words, like typing or fucking or learning.
Adjectives - they describe nouns, like purple or hard or sweet. They can also be used to compare things - harder, fastest, stronger, slowest.
Isn't it weird how we can use the language but not know what it's individual parts?

We've ordered the CGP KS1 books for Maths and Science too - looking forward to them coming and being able to really get on with it.

I've been using the website Khan Academy for my maths - working through their 'missions', which are great because you do a few problems so the site can work out your level and guide you through learning, practising and 'mastering' each skill.
I completed the 'Early Math' mission which was mostly counting - then adding, subtracting, measuring, time, money, and shapes.
And now I'm working through the 'Arithmetic' mission - more advance adding, subtracting, multiplication and division. And pretty damn new to me topics like negative numbers, absolute value, decimals, and fractions.

For the first time in my life, I've been able to do long division. One 20 minute video and a couple of hours practice and I'm getting them right 85% of the time. The guy does the videos with different colours so I actually had this visual and 'ohhhh' that what 'bring the number down' does.

I've been doing things today like absolute values and improper fractions. I was talking to J on his lunch break and he had NO idea what I was even talking about. S said they hadn't invented fractions yet when J was at school! ;)

One of the things we need to work out is the length of time I'm able to study for. I've been doing either 10% of a mission or practising 5 skills on Khan. And I've been doing just a double page spread in the English books - but I think I can probably manage more. Trial and error, that'll be. Just like everything else.

So far so good though. It's all fitting into my daily schedule - which I'll have to show you one of these days!

Letter Meme

Apr. 3rd, 2016 02:51 pm
lucymorningstar: (Lucy aka me)
[personal profile] kehleyr gave me M
I've got a letter. I can give you one too if you like. :-)

Something I hate: Mustaches.
I don't know what it is about them but I just don't like them!

Something I love: Marmalade.
I could be Paddington Bear, I'd eat marmalade sandwiches for every meal if I could

Somewhere I've been: Machen
A large village in South Wales with mountains and an old market

Somewhere I'd like to go: Morocco
It looks beautiful

Someone I know: Martina
A lady in one of my support groups

A film I like: The Matrix
lucymorningstar: (Elephant)
I spent a fair bit of this morning in the doghouse. Figuratively, not literally. When cooking dinner last night, I accidentally lightly burnt the rice. S was very unamused to say the least. I'm not even sure J actually noticed, he just inhaled the food like always. But S is very much a stickler for details and was very disappointed in me. And I was basically sent to dinner without dessert and on my own.

This morning there was a small lecture on paying more attention to what I'm doing. S knows I'm trying though, that it was an accident so nothing more than a telling off and a light spanking. It felt worse knowing I'd let her down more than anything.

J bought fish and chips home with him tonight so no cooking for me to ruin. I noticed S frowning at me some and asked her what was wrong. She commented that I'd put weight on, and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. Not a lot, just enough that it's noticeable. This means as of Monday I'm starting a new diet and exercise routine. I have to keep a food and exercise diary and I'm aiming to have lost 8lb by the beginning of May.
Wish me luck?

I'd also really like to properly study some physics. I left school with no qualifications so I'm thinking about actually taking my GCSE physics since I'm getting interested in it through watching science-fiction. S&J have ordered me some textbooks off Amazon, they should come next week. I'm looking forward to settling down with that.

I also signed up for a penpal club and am waiting to get 'paired' with my first penpal. It's very exciting, actually.

J says he's very proud of me right now, how he can tell the medications I'm on are working because I'm actually wanting to do things for me, and finding things I'm interested in. He and S both think its cute too that I'm doing this whole online thing and are encouraging me to keep with it and hoping this self-discovery thing works. He even suggested that maybe I could list out my hopes and dreams and plans for the rest of the year - show them it and we'll work on them together.

I done that on paper but thought I'd share them here too:

1) Keep taking my medication regime and tracking my moods and attention etc
2) Keep using to-do lists and alarms to focus myself on my task at hand
3) Lose approximately 30lb by the end of 2016
4) Start studying my GCSEs - ideally English and Maths as well as Physics
5) Learn to type

Maybe April is a little late in the year to be setting resolutions but I guess anytime you're ready is the right time.

What hopes/dreams/plans/goals, if any, have you set yourself for this year? And what are you doing to achieve them?<b?


Mar. 31st, 2016 03:21 pm
lucymorningstar: (Lucy aka me)
Hello everyone!

It felt really wonderful to log on this morning and see that people have added me! That people want to hear what I have to say. Although it's also a little unnerving in a way. Will I live up to being interesting?

I found it strange when writing the 'about me' post that I made to friending communities that the first thing I wrote about myself were my diagnoses. Can you imagine doing that in real life? Meeting someone, shaking their hand and saying "Hi, I'm Lucy. I'm a schizophrenic with ADHD and bipolar disorder!'
They'd look at me... well I was going to say strangely but then a lot of people do that anyway so it wouldn't be much of a difference really

I suppose it's different to actually introducing yourself, though, these posts. It's more a sales pitch in a way, isn't it? And my health is a large part of what make me who I am, so it is interesting that people understand that I have them. I am very much interested in finding out who I am outside of my diagnoses. You'd think by now I'd know who I am but I've always let these labels define me, rather than just... be. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who "Lucy the Person" is.

And welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

I am sitting in the room in our house known as 'the library' - it's basically a bedroom full of books, comfortable chairs and a desk. And a CD player. I'm listening to some Mendelssohn as I type this: A Midsummer Night's Dream - Overture if you're interested. I'm also thinking I need to a) cut my nails and b) learn to type. I have no idea where keys are and this is hard work. I don't know what to do with my other 6 fingers or my thumbs!

I've been setting up various accounts online. I now have a Twitter (@lucyshiningone) and a (lists! alphabetised!). I've heard about a to-do website called Habitica which sounds interesting so I think that might be my next stopping point.

What websites do you use on a regular basis/find useful?
Where can I learn to type?!


Mar. 30th, 2016 08:30 pm
lucymorningstar: (Default)
Hello Internet. I'm Lucy and I haven't really got the faintest idea what I'm actually supposed to be doing here, but I figured the best thing to do would be hit the 'post an entry' button and jump in wiht both feet first, hoping for a good outcome!

Which brings me here. My very first post. How incredibly exciting.

You're probably wondering who the hell I am. Well, as I already said a couple of paragraphs ago (but I'll repeat for the memory-deficient), my name is Lucy. I am a 30-something submissive bisexual polyamorous schizophrenic with ADHD & bipolar who lives in Wales. I love rock music, mythology, board games and shopping!
Yay very mini bio. But those are kind of the basic/important things about me.

I'm pretty verbose so I'm glad this isn't anything like twitter with that pesky 140 character limit. It keeps cutting me off mid-tweet. Very rude of it, don't you think?

So there we go. A first post, a mini introduction and a couple of icons. There's a bunch of likes in my profile too. Now all I need is a layout. I do feel a little like I need some kind of reward for all of this hard work you know!


I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan. I'm also a little obsessed with journals/planners right now.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is
Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Aliens. Angels. Bullet Journals. Cryptozoology. Dinosaurs. Doctor Who. Fanfiction. Knitting. Marvel. Space. Time travel. Wonder Woman.


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